9. Before

There is a desire burning deep within
Sometimes you spurn a love to let the spark begin
Making babies was always in the end
Reality makes things start new and others end
My hearts been burned and I can#t give up
So I'll build a wall around it so it won't happen again
My hearts been built up, I don't want to break up
But learning from you I'Ve learnt
I couldn't have been loved by you
In any other way than you do

8. Settled Down

I stood outside every door
Listening to muffled rain, laid on padded floors
I have cried aloud for the hurt I've felt
I have been honest, to no avail
So times have turned, strange days these are
Growing up can mean growing apart
I thought the whole point was to meet one soul
In which you shared this with, so others could go

Maybe I was wrong, and my one soul is not you
i have been ignoring signs for years, its not you
don@t say sorry, i beg, i remember you said
we would always be two, not one, and lose ourselves>

7. Unless, unless

I feared the worse for most of my life
I feared the truth would never show face
I feared the life, the strength I would need
I feared the future and all that it brings.
I want this like I want to believe in myself
I want to be a parent with internal strength
I want love to be loved, to have loved, all the same
I want this to be mine and his and ours, no blame
Unless its not meant to be
Unless its not for you and me
Unless its not my dream, oh, how it is
Unless its not mine to be
I wish I could have it here
Unless its better not, oh, how it is

6. Another Weekend

What an absoultely lovely but lazy weekend! Absolutely did NOTHING yesterday, was just fab. K and I spent the entire day watching tv and eating and dozing. feel much more active today, and achieved a lot more! even cleaned the car and sorted the little room, which is all good. I still don't know how that will work when the B comes along ~ if it ever does! Still trying, but we shall see. At least we can use the room now.
Am still agitated for not smoking ~ I miss it so terribly! But I know it is the right thing to do. I think at heart I will always be a smoker, just as I imagine drinkers feel once sober, or in fact a native in a foreign land. You never lose what you have known all your life, I guess it is just learning to adapt, and moving on. I wish.
So we have Buttons, D's cat with us for the next two months. She is cute, but very skittish. I worry about her heart she is so afraid of everything! She is currently dozing next to me, but that won't last long.
And work has been the most painful again! Completely fell out with J ~ which was just horrific, and although everyone was involved, I still had to spend the painful time talking it all through with him, I did let rip though. I told him everything, including knowing about his affair. It was horrid. What I felt was worse was how everyone 'felt sorry' for Jim. felt totally unsupported as ever, but it is my own fault. fighting other people's battles has never got me anywhere.
Anyway, no inspirational workings this week. have quite a lot on at work so all very manic, and just thank ful to snooze int he evening... I will try to get better x

5. My song has been Sung

I'm waiting around, I'm not growing up
I'm just growing old, and forgetting to be young.
I'm not touching the ground, one thought in the clouds
One lump in my throat, my song has been sung.
I have dreamed, I have hoped, I have prayed, I've let go
I've given up, I'll give in, I'll pretend I don't know
I'll walk in, I'll walk out, I'll be more than I can
I'll go mad, I'll get low, I'll get high to understand
This is what I want, this is all that I want
Everything that we've got, only makes it worse
This is what I love, this is what is enough
Everything that we have got, has brought me here.
I've tried to move on, I've tried to grow up
I've tried to ignore, these feelings inside.
I'll try to pretend, I'll want you to want this too
I want to grow in, and give this a try.
I have screamed, I have cried, I've been lost, been inspired
Been afraid, been dejected, I've been totally wired
I've got lost, I've got lip, I have got to give in
Got to try, what's the point if this is all there is...?
This is all that I want, this is all that I want
Everything we have done makes me feel this
This is what I want, how can it do such harm
Everything you and I are makes this feel missed.

4. Rational Feelings

Sitting here hiding in gloom, the shadows surround me
The TV ignores my mood, right now I just don't know
How these emotions grow as the sun sets to rise
I attempt to sleep through it, and just shut my eyes
But insecurity stays
And my thoughts and ridiculous anger keeps me awake.
And I can see, through these tears, I am just wasting my time
I can feel that you don't understand what's going on inside my mind
And as rational feelings get replaced by blame
And the love that scores through me, gets replaces by hate
I know I am alone
And I am going to spend my whole life just wanting to know....
Is this all life has get to give me?
Are all my choices deemed to make me feel this way?
I need to break free, but can't make it,
To leave, and to face it
I need to be loved in the way I am requesting.
But the light comes around and we breathe, and we move on and over
Sometimes I want to just scream, but can't even do that
I don't know who you are still I chain you to me
I don't want to be in this, nor want to be free
Maybe that's what we share
But we're so brave to argue but to admit that we're still scared is a dream.

3. Your Doubt

You've got lies, coming in
You've got lies, coming out
You've got thorns digging in
You've been shaped by your doubt
And once its over it doesn't change
You've got time to be what you want to make.

2. doing the Trick?

Well after that incredibly boring intro, I shall try once more. I have tried and tried to keep my imagination alive. This week I am travelling in and out of work on train (joy of joy), so I will try to capture some public nuances and capture the world as i see it ~ to wet my apetite< but only time shall tell!
Nothing is getting me at the moment. I am trying hard to work on a passion, to find something I need to focus on, but nothing is doing the trick.

1. Starting to write

So here it is... the long awaited Blog of the Non-writer. A woman with an imaginative writing degree, two published poems and a Blog. Go figure.

I don't know what else to do. I have tried to write paper, but when can you find the time, and who am I kidding? The laptop was bought for this purpose, I just didnt realise it wouldnt come with Windows and Word.